Suckiness


I was going to write about my birthday but too many sad things have been happening lately and are more on my mind than turning another year older.


I'm still feeling sad about my BFF's sister's passing. I guess when people go to someone else's funeral or memorial, life goes on for them after, but for the ones who lost their loved one, I think that's when it really starts to sink in. I believe that is what my BFF's mother is going through now. I don't have any siblings so I will never know what it will feel like to lose one. But I have close cousins who almost feel like siblings and the thought of them not being here anymore hurts my heart. As does the thought of my parents passing on.


Today I found out my friend's (another old one, who I have known for 22 years) Aunt passed away  from cancer. The same kind of cancer as my Dad. She had it for almost three years. When I saw my friend on Sunday, she had mentioned her Aunt is not eating much and had lost a lot of weight. Something that happens when a person loses half their stomach and half their esophagus. They had her on intravenous feeding & she seemed in better spirits and to be feeling better. So I was quite shocked to hear she died this morning. I'm really ready for cancer to be beaten. Too many people I know have died from it, and it's such a terrible disease.


I'm worried about my Dad because he is eating even less than usual, and is slower, less energetic. We went to one doctor who was really no help ("he should be getting more calcium, maybe he should try calcium-enriched soy milk if he's lactose intolerant"). We have another doctor to see in a few weeks who I am told will do more tests & be more proactive. I think it's gotten to the point where it doesn't really matter what I make him to eat, it's not helping. It makes me so sad when he says he can feel his body starting to fail him and that his time is coming. I don't want to believe that.


His older sister has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's (last week). She has been steadily deteriorating in her short-term memory. My Dad would tell me how she just repeats the same things over and over, or how he can't really understand what she is talking about in their conversations. She has also gotten outside, wandered & fell, only to be found by a complete stranger who managed to return her back home safely. My Uncle now has a lock on the inside of the doors. Probably deep down my Dad is worried this is going to be him in a few years. I'll admit, I'm worried too. Their Mom had her mental faculties until her late 80's & only after two strokes did she lose it. I remember being really devastated when she couldn't remember any of us anymore. Her & I were really close. She was this pretty hip Grandmother who travelled around the world by herself, left home in her late teens (against her Dad's wishes) to attend university in Beijing, didn't get married until her 30's. I could talk to her about a lot of stuff. Pretty unheard of for a Chinese Grandmother!


Anyway, just feeling a little gloomy & down. 2012 has already been kind of sucky.