Sad

My Dad isn't doing too well. When I look back at how much he has declined over the last year and a half, it actually shocks me. I try not to let on to him but he knows it, his friends know it, his siblings know it.

Now that he's been diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Dysfunction, I really notice how slow he is becoming, mentally. It's hard to see because my Dad has always been a problem solver and fixer. Now I have to be the problem solver and fixer for him. Situations or problems that were easy for him to deal with before, aren't any longer. Don't get me wrong, he can do A LOT by himself. It's not interfering with him taking care of himself. He can bathe, eat, do some cooking, pay the bills, buy groceries & keep track of his money, but if something unusual comes up, it's not so easy for him to figure out how to handle it. He asks me, which is something he would never have done even five years ago. He can't always think of words. He thinks slower. But it has made me more patient. I know he "knows" what's going on and can carry conversations, it just takes him a little longer to communicate. This is the new Dad.

We are making him recall "to do lists" regularly, as opposed to only having him write them down. I think he gets annoyed with me asking him to repeat things back to me or discuss the news or movies he has watched. I'm doing it because his Doctor told me to. It's a way to keep his brain active and may help with the Mild Cognitive Dysfunction not getting worse.

However, physically, he is weaker. He is now using a cane, after having a number of falls (and not telling me about them until way after the fact). I'm glad he's using it now because it helps his balance. He continues to be very skinny but his Specialist says this is to be expected with someone who has lived with esophageal cancer for fifteen years. He seems to have less of an appetite now & we have to force him to drink Ensure to compensate.

I flat out asked him if he's ready to give up. I would understand if he was because I can't imagine how tired he feels sometimes, even though I don't want him to give up. But he said he's not giving up. He is happy to wake up every day. He is fine to let "kingdom come" when it is God's (or whoever is up there) wish. He is going on a trip with his brother in the Fall and is really looking forward to that. I am nervous but am glad he is travelling with a big group and his brother, though Lord knows, he's not the best or responsible older sibling.

My Dad said he still wants to see the Bengal Tigers in India. Up close. In their home country. Last time he was in India he only heard them making noises, but they were hiding. I don't see him making a return trip there, though it's good to see he still has that passion for travel. I'm actually thinking he's been to more places than I have.

Honestly, growing old sucks. It's true what the damn Canadian commercial says about most Canadians living the last ten years of their lives, unhealthy. I would be okay with not being around for that when I get old. Being single, it's not like anyone is depending on me or will be taking care of me. Weird to think I will be completely alone once my parents pass on (being the only child). I know I have friends, good friends, but it's still weird to think about.